VOTE JONONYMOUS FOR SU PRESIDENT
From the ashes of the Johnny Lawrence Trilogy rises a phoenix, a shadow in the night: Jononymous! Never in recorded history has an extension to a well-rounded trilogy been a mistake. So we take no risks in declaring that Jononymous will rise and form a legacy that will stand for at least one more year. We are everyone. We are no-one. We will give you the one true SU President.
Jononymous will stand up for students. Jononymous will make the SU great! Please enjoy our manifesto:
Lectures can be boring, this leads to students not making it to their lectures and as a result getting poor grades. Therefore Jononymous will work to make lectures more interesting so you will want to go to class.
- Popcorn will be supplied in all lectures
- All students will receive a button on their desk to press if they’re bored. If 70% of the class press the button the lecturer will be gunged and the rest of the lecture will be taken by Dave Benson –Phillips.
- We will hire Dave Benson-Phillips
- Static lecturers will be subjected to “The Pit” at the claws of Sir Killalot
- All lecturers must enter to WWE style entrances.
Exam season is a stressful period, and Jononymous promises to support you and give you a chance to get good grades. Therefore under Jononymous:
- Saturday exams will give double marks
- One paper per exam will be blank so that students may write their own questions
- Someone in a top hat will enter random exams and exclaim “change places” Everyone must move but the papers stay where they are!
- All Dissertations will begin the day before the deadline as to make it fair on disorganised students.
- Each course will pick 2 tributes per year who will fight to the death. The winner will receive a first
Freshers come to university scared and alone, where they are told to go to events where alcohol will help them settle in. Well we say no to that. Jononymous propose we should use non-alcoholic ways of getting fresher’s settled in. Therefore:
- All freshers will complete a compulsory sky dive
- All freshers will be taught to tame a goose. This goose will become theirs. A Goose chooses its fresher, not the fresher its goose.
Campus can be pretty repetitive at times, so we need more activities to make students love being at university, Jononymous will work to bring in more campus activities, by introducing:
- A Summer slip and slide on the downs
- Mooch: The Gender Equality Strip Club
- A puppy cafe
- A more homely feel to campus by having hairy men in underwear walk around shouting obscenities.
- Free tea
There are places on campus that are dull, Jonoymous will work with the university to bring in the changes to facilities that students want and need. We will:
- Refurbish the George Green library using cheap concrete, as we wouldn’t want any long and expensive refurbishments.
- Build a new sports hall
- Rename Hopper Buses to Shuttle Buses.
- Introduce constant background noise to all buildings, to make up for buildings where construction is taking place.
- Burn down one building per year at random as a tradition.
Many Candidates make big promises, but don’t think about where they are going to get the money from. Jononymous have a strong financial plan with some great ideas for investments:
- Build a rival tram line parallel to the current one and sell tickets at 10p cheaper
- Help the Nigerian Prince get his kingdom back. We send him £2000 and we will get back 20 million once he’s got his land back.
Being Ill, mentally or physically, can be a real drain on your education, and sometimes EC’s just aren’t helpful enough to helping you get fit and well again. Jononymous will help. We will:
- Hire clairvoyant doctors who will know if you are ill before you are ill
- Ban freshers’ flu.
- Improve accessibility of Pastoral care for ALL students
- Make Nottingham a leading university in mental health awareness
- Support Mental Health groups within and outside the university
- Hire more mental health professionals to reduce long waiting lists.
- Encourage a more proactive approach from health care officials, whom deal with all kinds of illnesses.
- Stop Mental health being a taboo topic
Many candidates are too worried about internal affairs, when a lot of the universities finances come from external affairs; hence Jononymous have designed a list of international policies which will help build bridges with investors, so we can fund the internal affairs. We will:
- Declare war on North Korea
- Improve trade relations with the middle east and the west
- Chase up what happened with Kony 2012
- Begin Kony 2K16/17
Jononymous is committed to launching the Space Mission to Educate the Galaxy (SMEG) Our interplanetary policies include:
- Building a Moon campus.
- Building an appropriate Shuttle Bus for the Moon Campus
- Going to Jupiter, and asking where Thor and Wotan are.
Jononymous stands to bring out the best, and worst of its rival competitors. We will force them to realise this position is not a paid gap year! Jononymous are committed to making the SU great.
Vote for us and we will deliver a great SU president!
Never Forgive Johnny Lawrence. Never Forget Johnny Lawrence.